So, Queen Quon and I were talking about the unsolicited e-mail we receive. I was wondering whether women, too, receive offers for generic Viagra, movies of Paris Hilton "getting slammed", and penis enlargement pills.

Turns out they do.

I, however, have never gotten "breast enlargement pills" spam. This got me thinking:

1) Shame on all you dimwits that order things from spam. If schlong elongators weren't bought so frequently, I wouldn't get so much junk mail, or at least so much junk mail that doesn't include pictures of naked women.

2) Shame on all those dimwits that imagine that a large wiener will make up for their other inadequacies. Of frigging course, size matters (that's not to say that bigger is always better), but it's highly unlikely that's your remaining holdout from perfection, or even in your top 5 most "profitable" projects to pursue.

3) Shame on anyone who imagines a pill would enlarge, permanently and without ill consequences, one set of elastic tissue without enlarging the rest. Oh, sure, you'd be Peter North, but you'd also be able to pick up peanuts with your nose, and you'd have nipples like, well, a girl if those things worked.

4) I wonder what would happen if I took the breast enlargement pills, and one of the women I know took the penis enlargement pills... (that is, think about it for a second, and you'll start to doubt they work)

And then it occurred to me that the spam is even more poorly directed!

Larger boobs are a flamboyant advertisement. A woman with bigger ones will catch the eye of more men who like bigger ones. You can notice boob size through a sweater.

But penis size?! I mean, few of the men I know go into a meeting place/bar/party, etc. with an erection, or wearing only cycling shorts for that matter. Those women who are "size queens" (and, for what it's worth, I have no idea whether Queen Quon is, and that's not where her nickname came from) can't accurately evaluate the size of the man's member. In fact, that's where all the "proxies" come from: foot size, hand span, nose size, etc.

This got the marketer in me thinking...
People believe a pill can enlarge one body part.

Why don't the flim-flam men send out ads saying "enlarge your glove size one size within a week. Women will suspect you've got a larger trouser tube, and you'll also be better at basketball and football!" I mean, once the insecure dude who thinks his dick's too dinky gets the woman near his naked body, what are the odds the deal's going to get cancelled? So really, the good target would be for guys to improve their *promotions*, not their product, right?